I Miss the Lips That Made Me Fly
by olitzplease
Summary: Afraid that what she's seeing is either a dream of the result of her prolonged bloodlust, she slams her eyes shut once more. She opens them only after hearing the familiar drawl of her name from the person she's longed to hear it from for months, looking into the clearest blue eyes she's ever seen.


It hurts. More than going down with the Gambit, more than any League training, more than dying, more than the Pit. And of course, her body's reflex to pain in now bloodlust. It's becoming unbearable. There is no longer that desire to stay human for his sake, to be a better person for his sake, to forget her past in order to consider a future with him. She can feel it becoming unbridled but refuses to admit that the thought of having to face her bloodlust alone terrifies her.

She tells herself that she shouldn't be this worked up about Snart's death. There weren't any titles between them – Crook and Assassin don't count – there was no relationship. But in reality, she knows she is only lying to herself. She fell for her Crook somewhere between the rooftop and Nanda Parbat. That's another lie – she knows it was in Russia when he saved her from herself. There's never been any question about that.

She jumps at the chance for shore leave. She needs to see Laurel, who has lost the man that she loves not once, but twice. She needs someone who can sympathize but not pity. But when she returns home to a headstone rather than a hug, she breaks. Sobs rip through her like she's never experienced, even through everything she's suffered. Isn't good supposed to triumph over evil? Why should her Crook and her sister be gone from this world when she, with all of the blood on her hands and the unspeakable acts she's committed, be allowed a second chance at life?

She spends the rest of her leave holed up in the clock tower, the only place that she can think of that isn't tied to memories of Laurel or Leonard. In the back of her mind, she knows that she should check on Sin, but at this point, she's doing well to keep her own head above the water. Dealing with someone else will just push her under.

She wakes from her nightmares able to feel the pure rage coursing through her veins. She's never told anyone, not even Snart, but when she would wake up like this, she would slip quietly from her own room to go to his. Gideon would let her in and she would watch him sleep, feeling herself calm by simply being in his presence. She tries the same thing now but when she reaches his room, she hesitates. To her, his room has become a makeshift tomb, a gravestone that will have to do for now. As she pushes those thoughts aside and enters the room, she realizes she is not alone. Mick has fallen asleep in Snart's bed, clinging to his pillow as if it's a lifeline. She doesn't want to intrude, so she leaves. The bloodlust is still pulsing through her veins. She does her best to ignore it and falls back into a restless sleep.

She has no mercy on Savage's army in what ends up being their final showdown. She finally has the chance to use the pent-up rage from the bloodlust to her advantage and not feel the least bit guilty about it. She fights harder and more viciously than she can ever remember fighting before, but in the end, it doesn't help. When Savage is dead, there is no one left for her to take her relentless anger out on, no one for her to return home to, no one to create a future with. Rip asks them to continue on the journey and she acquiesces because if she's going to do anything, she might as well stay close to her memories with him.

She's still on the Waverider when it happens. Even though his sacrifice had destroyed most of the Vanishing Point, there are still some structures that Rip stops in at on a semi-regular basis. With Rip taking a nap, she has been left in charge of navigation. Looking out of what she refers to as the windshield of the ship, a familiar blur of blue and faux fur flies by. Halting the ship in its path, she leaps from her seat to search for what she had seen, telling herself not to build up false hope. The rest of her crew members are yelling angry protests at the sudden stop, but she ignores them. Looking through the glass, she really doesn't believe what she sees. She's deeply afraid that the bloodlust has become so bad that she's begun to hallucinate. Rip comes out demanding an explanation, but all he gets are tears as a response. With all of the times they have passed through this area on their way to the fractured remains of the Vanishing Point, she's never seen any signs. She knows that this is no longer an hallucination when she hears Mick whispers, "Snart?"

She waits anxiously just inside the bay doors while Ray goes out in his suit to retrieve what she can only assume to be his dead body. She's not entirely sure what Rip is planning to do once they get his body inside; she supposes that somewhere on this ship there is some kind of climate-controlled cargo hold, but that's too much for her to consider at the moment. Instead, she waits with bated breath for Ray to return. As soon as the doors open, she's there, waiting expectantly for news. The news that she expects is that the Crook, her Crook, is dead, but at least she and Mick will have a body to take home to his sister. She knows from Laurel and Thea what an empty grave does to the ones who are left behind. The news that Ray brings, however, is nowhere near what she had prepared herself for.

Gideon surmises that because time wants to happen, Snart was not killed in the blast but rather transported to the Temporal Zone. Rip, in simpler terms, says that it was not the place or time that he was destined to die. Gideon also tells them that, after being scanned in the med bay, it seems as though he has not aged at all while in the Temporal Zone, and seems to only be unconscious. That being said, Gideon is unsure as to why he has yet to regain consciousness. It's all too much for her, and she leaves him in the capable hands of the team – mostly Mick, because she knows that he won't leave his side until he sees those blue eyes – while she escapes to the hatch below his room where they once hid from the Time Masters' crew. The bloodlust is beyond raging, but she also feels exhilarated, exhausted, and terrified on top of it, so she does the only thing she knows to do. She steals the pillow from his bed and closes herself off from the world in a space known only to the two of them.

She's not sure how long she's in the secret hold, but she's aware of someone scooping her out of it. To her surprise, it's Mick, and in that moment, she crumbles into his grip. Her stomach drops with the flood of thoughts to her brain. If Mick is with her and not him, what's happened? Is he dead? Did he wake up? Did Gideon determine that the Oculus had done to him what the Pit had done to her, left him just a shell of a man with no soul? Mick seems to realize that she knows the situation has changed, and it's only when he whispers into her ear that she succumbs to the slumber that she's been so desperately seeking.

She awakens in the med bay, attached to what she guesses is an IV that is administering some kind of nutritional supplements along with a sedative during the time that she's spent unconscious. She's vaguely aware of someone watching her, so she opens her eyes. Afraid that what she's seeing is either a dream of the result of her prolonged bloodlust, she slams her eyes shut once more. She opens them only after hearing the familiar drawl of her name from the person she's longed to hear it from for months, looking into the clearest blue eyes she's ever seen.

She instructs Gideon not to allow anyone else into the med bay until further notice, which she realizes is selfish but she just can't bring herself to care. She detaches herself from the IV and stands by his bedside. She's afraid that if she touches him, he'll fade away and she will realize that it's all been a hallucination, so she settles for staring at him. He's not having any of it and yanks off every wire connected to him and pulls her to him. To her relief, his skin is warm against her rather than cold, and his breath is hot against her hair. She can't bring herself to look him in the eye, so he takes matters into his own hands. He cups her face with his warm hands and locks his eyes onto hers. He kisses her properly, making up for her stolen kiss before his assumed death. He kisses her slowly, passionately, filling it with everything he failed to say and every emotion he blocked off; he effectively communicates it all better than he ever could have with words. When they separate, she has the salty tang of tears on her lips, though she's unsure if they're his or her own.

He asks how long he was gone, and she responds with a watery "too long." He tells her that however long he was gone, all that went through his mind was their last day together, how sorry he was for pulling his gun on her, how he wishes he would have kissed her earlier, how much he realizes he does want a future with her, how he would do it all again to save her. She kisses him to cut him off and tells him never to do it again because she needs him, and because she doesn't know how to be who she should be without him.

They stay in the med bay for a while, just the two of them, until Gideon informs them that Rip is asking about their conditions. She knows that she needs to let them in, but can't quite bring herself to remove his arms from around her. They have laid down together on one of the med bay cots and simply enjoyed the comfort of feeling the other's presence. He looks her in the eye and, with the most serious tone she thinks she's ever heard from him, tells her how sincere he was about the two of them and wanting a future together. She smiles, the expression feeling foreign on her face, and says, "Me and you, Leonard."


End file.
